Learn to let go of past pain!

One of the most important ways of achieving emotional and psychological well-being is to be able to live in the present having learnt from the past. Many people, particularly women, find it hard to prevent the past from clouding their judgement or damaging their well-being.

Finding it hard to let go of the past can be about many things. For example, it can be reflected in a repeated cycle of unhappy relationships. Perhaps an unhappy relationship that isn't explored and dealt with leads you to choose unsuitable partners in future because you don't expect anything better. Or if you've grown up with an alcoholic father you may find yourself attracted to alcoholics, who cause you great pain. By perpetuating unhappy feelings in this way the past controls your present.

Painful events

Another one of the main ways that the past can have an unhappy influence over our lives is when we simply can't let go of a hurt, pain, and/or anger from past experiences. Everyone experiences painful events ranging from bereavement, to broken relationships, to having been bullied. The potential for unhappy experiences is endless, and it's how we deal with these that counts.

As the hurts and pain of life can't be completely avoided it's important to face these challenges, heal yourself where necessary, learn from them and then move on. This is where many get stuck. When hurt and pain are allowed to take over your life, anger and bitterness often develop.

Wherever your past hurt, pain or anger springs from, you can learn to let go of it. The golden rule to remember is that you may not be able to control events happening to you, like the death of someone you love, or sharing an office with a spiteful colleague. However you can be in charge of your response to such events.

Letting-go techniques

1. Identification
Sit down and take the time to identify what event/experience from the past causes you a negative emotion. Make an honest assessment of this. For example, you may identify the way your first boyfriend broke your heart by cheating on you as the root of long-held pain.

2. Think in ink
Write a letter to yourself to help you set boundaries on this old hurt. Using this example of the cheating ex-boyfriend you'd write something like, 'When I was younger I made the choice to have a relationship with a man who wasn't worthy of me. He wasn't honourable or respectful and yet I let him into my life. We're all allowed to make such mistakes. What I'll learn from this is never to let anyone treat me like that again. I suffered a great deal from his actions and have continued to let myself feel this pain. From now on I'll no longer let his hurtful behaviour affect me.' Re-read this letter when you feel that old hurt welling up to remind yourself that you're entitled to move forward.

3. Talking cure
You might decide that the pain/hurt that negatively impacts on your life simply needs to be talked through. For example, I come across many people who've been bereaved but 'shut down' their painful emotions because they felt they must carry on with things like their work and their children. They then find that deeply unhappy feelings resurface from time-to-time and often when they least expect it. Sometimes simply acknowledging that their grief was put 'on hold' and needs to be explored and talked through with loved ones, can help them draw a line and move forward.

4. Visualise
Using visual techniques to change our feelings can be helpful. To help draw a line under the past, take a moment to close your eyes and visualise yourself as two separate people: the 'old you' and the 'new you'. Add detail into your visualisation. For example, place the 'old you' in a grey landscape and 'new you' in a bright and colourful landscape surrounded by vibrant plants and animals. Recall this visualisation daily, to help you to continue to draw that line between the past and the present.

5. No longer rose-coloured
It's time to take off your rose-coloured spectacles and make a list of the negatives about the person or experience that has caused you long-held pain. Staying with the example of the cheating first boyfriend, your list might include: anyone who cheats on you is not worth wasting your feelings over now; he wasn't such a catch after all as he drank too much and could be boring; when you were dating he never did anything romantic. Once you have this list written out, keep it close to hand as a reminder that this past experience/person is not worthy of your time, attention or feelings now.

6. Find forgiveness
The flip-side to being unable to let go of past pain and hurt is being able to find forgiveness. A key element of this is to recognise that being 'right' is not as important as being happy. Some people get stuck with anger over a past event because they feel they were 'right', the other person was 'wrong', and the other person hasn't taken responsibility for this. It can be good for your well-being to decide that letting go of being 'right' can lead to greater happiness.

7. Build positive bridges
Another aspect of this issue of wanting some resolution with a person who has caused you pain is to make the first move. Be the first to build bridges by contacting them and putting your hand on your heart and saying you want to make amends.

8. Saying sorry
Past pain that affects you now can be as much to do with your own behaviour as the way someone else has treated you. In this case take the opportunity to say sorry to the person that you may have hurt. This demonstrates that you can grow as person and hopefully they'll accept this apology in the positive spirit it's offered.

Source: Dr. Pam Spurr (iVillage.co.uk)